Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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