I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
