I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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