Little spoons don't ask big questions
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize