She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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