I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
