Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
