DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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