This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
