3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
