So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
