Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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