did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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