you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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