she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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