shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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