Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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