I'll bet she douches with gravy.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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