Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
love makes seman taste better
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
