booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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