I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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