we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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