I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I want her autograph on my taint
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize