I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
