I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
