fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize