She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
