I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize