my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
