I want to have your abortion
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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