Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
