i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
