You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
