would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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