I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
