I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Panties = found
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
