video games are the ultimate cock blocker
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
