Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize