I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
