sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
