look no pants
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
