Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
