I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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