Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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