My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
