Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
