he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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