my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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