he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
