i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
