you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize