The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
