New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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