yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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