Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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