DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
