I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
