You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
