i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
