so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
