The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
