I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
