Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize