nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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