At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
