normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
