I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
