Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
