Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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