I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
